What depression is really like…

Waking up the only thought that I have on my mind is how hard another day of my life will be. I don’t want to get up , because I have no motivation, no goal to attain, no things to do. But I am a warrior! I can’t just give up – I tell myself- I’ve to get up and follow my daily routine. But the heaviness in my heart doesn’t let me. I close my eyes and see the darkness that once used to scare me. Then I remember that when I was a kid I used to see stars when I closed my eyes and it felt like I was in the outer space. That feeling made me feel happy and now it is gone . The only thing that I have left is darkness which has reached even the brightest parts of my soul. But then an alarm goes off and it’s time to get up and wear a mask so that no one feels disturbed with my real face. Every thing I do has no meaning and I don’t even care what it really means. Then I go to school and try to concentrate on education, as it is more important than my personal life like every one thinks. But it’s hard to listen to the teacher talking about the battle that happened hundred years ago when million dark thoughts are on my mind.I’ll study it later- I think and get lost in thoughts which take me far away from this hard world and for some time I really feel happy. But bell rings and I return to the reality. I walk like I’m determined, like I know what to do and where to go . I can’t show my friends how I really feel,because their reaction won’t be what I want and it will just make me sadder and more upset about my life.During the breaks I watch my schoolmates laughing and being happy and I don’t really know what is going on in their life , but I can read people and I know they are sincerely happy , not like me. Sometimes I make up stupid jokes and laugh to feel like a normal person and don’t stand out. I try to act like I’m okay and don’t need help , while I’m desperately looking for one. And when the school is over I go home and before entering the door , I take off that mask and wear another one , because no one in my family has time for my depression. They don’t even know that I’m in depression. But how they’ll know it if you’re constantly wearing a happy mask ? – You’ll ask. I don’t always wear one and when I don’t even if anyone notices , they think I’m stupid for being sad , as life is good and I have to live happily. So I prefer wearing the mask that everyone wants. The only time I am myself is before sleep. I’m more depressed and tired than in the morning and I don’t want to sleep , because it means another day will come. The sun will rise again and I’ll have to get up again to be the person every one wants. There’re persons who know about my emotions and they do nothing to help me. No one can help me , I have to do this myself. I have to find that one thing I need and get better.But something in my heart laughs at me .Then my heart begins to beat slower , lights begin to fade and at one point I enter the world of my dark fantasies.

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